The Ramblings of my Disorganised Mind

I was going to write today

but I have more important things to think about. My rose order is on its way! Yay!










*evil grin*

posted by Heather @ 7:33 am 1 comments

Either my scales are wrong

or my tape measure is.

I went to put on a pair of trousers this morning and they, literally, fell to my hips. I had to wear a belt. Weird. Stood on the scales. According to them, no weight has come off (maybe about half a kilo: it's hard to tell without my glasses and you always look heavier when measuring yourself because leaning forward to look ups the measurement). Yet, according to the tape measure, I am yet 2.5 cms smaller around the waist, and 2 from hips and 1 from bust. That's a total of, uh... 4 cms off the hips and waist and 2 from the bust in 2 weeks, while not actually on a diet or anything. (2.5cms = 1 in for those still working on outdated measurement systems....... :-P).

Still well overlarge, of course, but I can't figure out where it's going. Or how it's coming off. I've been eating like a piglet lately (compared to my usual intake, which is like bird-ish except on that crazy one day a month thing where I seriously pig out on everything I shouldn't). And walking a lot, granted. And yes, I do understand the "muscle is heavier than fat" rule -- but I've always been muscly under the blubber (no, really). I'd say the muscle is just getting tone-ier but it's not my leg muscles we're talking about here (no, I'm not obsessive enough to measure them, thanks for asking). Oh, well. Given, however, that when I've lost weight in the past, a loss of approximately 1 cm = a loss of approximately 1 kilo, it's a bit strange. I mean, i took off a couple of kilos last week, but anyhow... whatever. My goal is my health at the moment. My knees ache.

I also need a chiropractor. Must find one close by, soonish. I've been saying that for 3 years, though.

I worked out that I walked about 5kms yesterday -- mostly with weights *grin* About 3 and a half of them were with a 3 year-old who thought it would be fun to hang off my arm half the time and last night I went to see a film (again? Yeah, I've been taking time outs lately. Won't need to any more, soon) and also needed to get some stuff from the supermarket at the other end of the shopping centre. I'd parked a fair way away, so I reckon, I walked about a kilometre with approximately 11 kilos of stuff. Well, you know, I needed fruit, so there were 2 3-kilo bags of apples, 2 litres of milk, a litre of juice, another kilo or so of bananas... etc. Who needs a gym when you can do that sort of stuff? hehe.

I saw the Interpreter. It was pretty good.

Anyway, I'm a little behind on my 1 chapter per day thing so I'd better go and get the bairns to school and get cracking.

posted by Heather @ 7:17 am 3 comments

Beacause There's Too Much to Say

I'm not writing anything.

You know, when you're hot, you're hot. Once I start writing again, I could write anything, anytime. I'm in the middle of getting out a ms for EnVision this week, at the rate of a full chapter a day (helps that some of it was already written by someone else, but anyhow), and as soon as I do that, all the other projects that I have been working on start crowding in, going "pick me! Pick me!"

I could seriously work on 3 different books right now. At the same time. Won't, though, my brain would eventually implode and I'd end up doing nothing. Must concentrate.

Same with this blog thing. I've seen 3 films this week (!!). Kingdom of Heaven, The Upside of Anger and Crash. Also saw Closer on DVD (urgh). The first one makes me want to write a whole spiel on what really happened (the movie wasn't as bad as I thought it was, actually). The second one, well, I've mentioned the whole button thing. The third was another film that followed the "no touch -- no live" perameter. I didn't like it (you can't "like" a movie like that), but it was a good film.

But I won't write an essay on each. I'll spare you that. hehe.

I will post Cainer's Aries scope for today, though, because I think Liz may like it:

Can you trust your feelings? What a question! It's like asking if you can trust your eyes... or your ears... or your taste buds. These are your natural assets. They provide you with crucial information that you ignore at your peril. You may not like what your senses are telling you, but that's no reason to doubt them or ignore them. What you feel is very real... and very right. Don't question that. You do, though, need to think carefully about precisely how you intend to act on those feelings.

Mine, today, is very apt (Nic, you can laugh now :-P Sheesh, everyone is ganging up on me lately *rolls eyes*):

The full moon has brought you to a turning point. You are neither willing nor able to carry on pretending a situation is satisfactory. Cracks have been papered over too many times in the past. Quick fixes have been applied to problems that clearly need attention at a much more fundamental level. Though you may feel daunted by the extent to which you must now rewrite your plan for the future, you have every reason to feel inspired about the task that lies ahead of you.

Have to laugh at my ex's!!:

Peace, love and understanding? What about jealousy, vengeance and retribution? Where's all that going to go if the dewy-eyed idealists have their way? Just imagine a world with no hard edges. Without negative emotions, rotten relationships, petty conflicts and ugly prejudices, we'd all be bored. Er... wouldn't we? Don't worry, I'm not predicting any such developments in the world or in your life. I do, though, foresee a small shift in this direction soon, for you. So you'd best be ready for it. Sounds like a warning to me *evil grin* Mind you, without jealousy, vengeance and retribution, he wouldn't know what to do with himself. Sigh.

My mum and her hubby came to visit on Sunday, which was very nice. We went for a walk, and I now know I'm walking just under 3 kms every day, so that is good (mum's hubby got a pedometre for his birthday). 1.47 kms each way. Cool.

I also have lavender plants. Yayhoo! Only waiting on a rose order to arrive and I can start planting my front handkerchief garden. Well, I've cheated, already put some stuff in, but anyhows... 'twill be good when it all goes in, I was even able to track down all the rose varieties I was looking for (one is quite rare). Well, there were only four (small garden, you know), and 2 of those will be going into pots (I have no intention of leaving them behind when I move again, which is likely. I don't know when, but it's likely). Also ordered a rare pale blue sweet violet variety that has just been imported from France. My regular plant supplier mentioned it when I was ordering a regular purple one. So, this little one will be potted as well, because a) It's still rare in this country and I want to be able to put it where ever it's happy, I will not be held responsible for killing it and B)if I move, I can take it with me. I've lost too many plants that I will probably never find again because I've had to move house.

I've managed to plan the front garden so there are many smally plants flowering at different times. I'll have polyanthum jasmine, gardenia and the rose varieties I've ordered are old fashioned ones that are reknown for their strong fragrance. The garden is just outside the window where my computer is, so that will be nice, if it works.

I scattered some forget-me-not seeds last week. I don't know why I keep doing that to myself, as they're not really happy up here, but they've actually come up (shock!) Trick is, maybe go for autumn/winter flowering instead of spring, which is too hot and wet. May even work. Cool.

My favourite tiny posy is sweet violets with forget-me-nots so if I can get both of them to grow up here, I'll be a happy bunny. :-D

posted by Heather @ 7:00 am 0 comments

Because I'm a sheep

I naffed this from Stu's blog:

You scored as Anakin Skywalker. Padme Amidala 69% Anakin Skywalker 69% Yoda 50% C-3PO 44% Obi Wan Kenobi 42% R2-D2 39% Mace Windu 39% General Grievous 36% Darth Vader 36% Clone Trooper 28% Chewbacca 28% Emperor Palpatine 19% Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you? created with QuizFarm.com

Only question. I'm a girl, and they decided Anakin???

Seems I have a darker side than I thought.

posted by Heather @ 7:33 am 2 comments

Just

I mentioned a while back I went to see Finding Neverland. I think I said at the time that, as an Oscar-nominated film, it makes for a good mediocre one, but there was one point of that film that stuck in my mind (apart from the fact that any film that portrays a man happily (or even drunkedly, like in The Upside of Anger, which I saw yesterday) taking on a large fatherless family that is not his own presses all sorts of buttons that I don't want to talk about, now or ever... I mean, apart from pointing out that there are ALL sorts of Hollywood BULLCRAP, not just the Braveheart type).

Depp's character has just met up with Winslet's character and her boys, and one of them (Peter) is a dyed-in-the-wool cynic. Depp starts telling a story about the St Bernard being a huge bear, and Peter says, "but that's just a dog." Depp (as Barrie, of course) responds, "Just? Ah, but you see, 'just' is the worst word in the whole world."

It's true, I reckon. Think of all the times the word is used:

Just a mum
Just a writer/poet/whatever creative endeavour the world sees as "not real work"
I was just angry
I was just about to call you
You're just incredible/amazing, but...
Just friends
Just not worth... blah blah blah

You get the picture. It's a sucky word.

PS For the person who was googling "Barethian", it's not a real language. It's just one I made up for my books. It has proper grammar and syntax, based very loosely in Scots Gaelic (syntax) and French (grammar) and partly just my own imagination and if another person learned it, it would actually be a living language. It's actually able to be spoken now, but I have been reticent to mention it. The few times I have, I've been told I was just copying Tolkein's idea :-D Never mind that I hadn't even read through LOTR when I first started on it all and had no idea he'd made up whole languages, although I did know he'd played with a couple. I love languages. I have a helluva lot of admiration for the man, though, teaching himself Finnish. I was born there, a good Finn friend has tried to give me some basics on the language. Oi vey, but it makes Gaelic look simple. But I digress.

One day I will make a webpage, maybe. If there's any interest. If I ever publish the books. if I ever get the bloody things finished. (Some are done, but need editing. More editing, I mean).

But not today. I'm having an Eeyore day and am supposed to be writing...something... else by June 7. Hopefully will only have one Eeyore day or I don't like my changces *grin*

posted by Heather @ 7:21 am 0 comments

Sigh. Sports.

St Kilda lost. Again. Hamill was out. Again. If they don't look at their players with regard to preventing soft-tissue and lower joint injuries (instead of shaking their heads in wonder and patching them up after they've happened), I think it can safely be said that the team is screwed this year. The injury list over the last few weeks is beyond "a bit of bad luck" and warping into something different -- incompetence, somewhere.

Parramatta won. Go figure. Not enough to lure me back to Rugogynist League but heartening anyhow.

posted by Heather @ 7:22 am 0 comments

.I Still Can't see it

My waisted 3/4 pants became hipsters yesterday. At first, I put it down to what I like to call "wear-in" stretch (you know, jeans/pants or whathaveyou fit when you put them on but then get a bit baggy as you wear them -- or, alternatively, and more often -- too-tight jeans fit after a couple of hours) but they started to actually fall down to the point of me thinking, better wash these so they fit again. Normally they just get baggy round the tummy and sit there.

Realised when I put my trakky-daks on this a.m. that they were no longer tight across the bum. On a whim, try on another pair of 3/4 pants I bought a couple of months ago and didn't quite fit into. Well, truth be known, I completely couldn't do them up when I bought them. The label must've been wrong or something... hehe. Now, they're still a bit too snug to wear and not look like some eighties stretch-faberge reject but I didn't even have to lie down to get the zip up.

Hmmm. Someting weird happening here, thinks I, getting back into trakky bums (the front bedroom flooded due to the hailstorm last night. Mopping up and cleaning to do today. Was fun).

Walk out to lounge room.

"Do I look like I've lost weight?" I ask my almost-15 year-old son, who looks slightly panicked. (Well, he has to learn how to field this question some time, right? It's my motherly duty).

"Er.... yes?" he croaks.

"No, it's OK," I say soothingly. "I'm not a 'does my bum look too big in this?' sort of girl. Tell the truth. There will be no consequences."

"But, mum..."

Number 2 son (13 years old) jumps in. "Actually, mum, you do look smaller." The boy is wise beyond his years, honestly.

Number 1 son nods. "You do."

I look from cherubic face to innocent glance and roll my eyes. "You don't have to say that. I'm after an honest opinion here."

They look at me blankly. Obviously, my work is not yet done.

I give up and start to look for the tape measure.

It cheers me to know they were right, even though I'm fairly sure they weren't trying to be. And the fact I'm not actually trying to take off weight (despite the fact I probably should be).

And I still can't see it.

And it's just as well. I figure, if it ain't happening, I won't have to go clothes shopping again. Hoi.

Dis-as-ter.

Might go have some pizza or something.

posted by Heather @ 7:10 pm 2 comments

Note for Nic

The Astro Compat link now works. Knock yourself out. :-D

*evil grin*

Note for others:

If you're serious about checking compatibility, sun signs are not always the be-all and end-all. Important to check Rising Sign and Moon sign compatibility as well. The reason for this is that, while the Sun sign represents the self (ego), the rising sign represents the facade (what you show the world) and the moon sign represents the emotional centre (your deepest emotions). Example; I'm a Cap: that's what people who "know" me see. My Rising sign is Virgo (so I seem, perhaps, a bit more fastidious and exacting than I really am), but my moon sign is Cancer (make of that what you will, but a moon sign ruled by the moon... hoi).

Also, you can look at how the Venusian sign and Mars mesh (match his Mars to your venus and vice-versa). But it doesn't end there, you then have Eros and Psyche and antagonistic planet alignments, or good ones, when you merge the charts, blah blah blah. A single negative can be outweighed by a plethora of positives (after all, what relatiionship is perfect anyways?). That's one reason I'm actually skeptical of "astro matches", especially ones that declare that, say, one element with the other will "never" mix, because if you go by Sun signs alone, well, you could be missing out.

I rather like Jon Cainer's approach, he matches the elements (fire, earth, air, water) and the attributes (cardinal, mutable, fixed) and points out the positives and potential negatives and lets you work it out.

Anyhow, whether you believe in it or not, it's certainly fun. :-D

posted by Heather @ 7:50 am 0 comments

New Note to Self

Lugging 50 litre bag of potting mix up a flight of stairs while still in the tail end of a cold is not a good idea.

posted by Heather @ 9:32 am 0 comments

Urgh

I have a cold ind my dose. (Hehe. My dose is blogged).

I'm supposed to be writing somethingg for EnVision but I'm having trouble concentrating. One disadvantage of beingg the caregiver, I tend to get colds, etc, last, becuase I've run myself down a bit looking after everyone else, and they tend to hit me hard. # 1 son has been home for a week now. My daughter seems to have missed it.

# 3 son picked it up from his father last weekend, who conveniently forgot to tell us he was sick. And I say he never gives us anything. Sheeeeesh---OOOOO. Eggscuse me. *sniff*

Happy Friday Thirteenth, btw.

I was going to write a small essay on where that came from, but I thingk I might try curling up on the lounge instead. Can't nap, smallest child is not sick. Fell asleep briefly yesterday, and despite oldest child being aware of it, smallest child ended up outside in the rain playing in the mud. Smallest child lucky he did not get chill (I'm either acclimatising or it's an effect of the virus, but it was cold yesterday).

It's times like this that being single tends to make things a wee bit saddish. When you're sick, it's rather nice to wallow a bit, you know, feel a little sorry for yourself. having to get your own chicken soup sort of spoils it a bit. ;-)

Not that the ex ever was very good at palliative care, but you know what I mean. It'd be nice to have someone tuck me in and read me stories, and it's not really appropriate to get the kids to do it (although the currently-not-ill kids have been good with coffee, Vit C tablets, vapour rub and trying to let me sleep in until past 6 am).

On top of the cold, I got to traumatise myself again yesterday. My DVD library sent me The Pirate Movie. For anyone too young to remember (och! I can't believe I'm getting old enough to say that), this was an early 80s spoof of Gilbert & Sullivan's Pirates of Penzance, starring Chris Atkins and Kristy McNichol and lashings of Australians (it was filmed entirely in Australia long before it was popular to do so).

The saddest part was I remembered all of the words, even of the non G&S songs.

Whimper. Why do I do that to myself??

posted by Heather @ 7:50 am 1 comments

"I'll Never Understand You"

said a friend not that long ago. It was meant in a good way, I think.

Anyway, this is for him:

A while ago I took one of those Jung Personality tests. Topology, they call it, iirc.

Here are my results, and all my secrets. :-P

INTJ

Introverted Intuitive Thinking Judging
Strength of the preferences %
22 22 11 67

slightly expressed introvert
slightly expressed intuitive personality
slightly expressed thinking personality (borderline feeling)
distinctively expressed judging personality

Also known as "Mastermind"

Huh. Go figure.

It is in their abilities that Masterminds differ from the other Rationals, while in most of their attitudes they are just like the others. However there is one attitude that sets them apart from other Rationals: they tend to be much more self-confident than the rest, having, for obscure reasons, developed a very strong will. They are rather rare, comprising no more than, say, one percent of the population. Being very judicious, decisions come naturally to them; indeed, they can hardly rest until they have things settled, decided, and set. They are the people who are able to formulate coherent and comprehensive contingency plans, hence contingency organizers or "entailers."

Hmm. I don't know about the self confidence thing, but the strong will certainly fits, much to the chagrin of my mum at times when I was young. ;-)

I think this version is more close to it:

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know. That bit's actually true. I'm always very aware of what I can't do LOL!

INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake. INTJ's are objective rationalists and rarely allow subjective opinion to get in the way of either business norms or interpersonal relationships.

INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications. Female INTJs tend to be more empathetic than men.

Masterminds will adopt ideas only if they are useful, which is to say if they work efficiently toward accomplishing the Mastermind's well-defined goals. Natural leaders, Masterminds are not at all eager to take command of projects or groups, preferring to stay in the background until others demonstrate their inability to lead. Once in charge, however, Masterminds are the supreme pragmatists, seeing reality as a crucible for refining their strategies for goal-directed action. In a sense, Masterminds approach reality as they would a giant chess board, always seeking strategies that have a high payoff, and always devising contingency plans in case of error or adversity. On a personal level, this would fit. In business, not really. To the Mastermind, organizational structure and operational procedures are never arbitrary, never set in concrete, but are quite malleable and can be changed, improved, streamlined. Only if it's in my job description to do so *grin* In their drive for efficient action, Masterminds are the most open-minded of all the types. No idea is too far-fetched to be entertained-if it is useful. Masterminds are natural brainstormers, always open to new concepts and, in fact, aggressively seeking them. They are also alert to the consequences of applying new ideas or positions. Theories which cannot be made to work are quickly discarded by the Masterminds. On the other hand, Masterminds can be quite ruthless in implementing effective ideas, seldom counting personal cost in terms of time and energy.

Risk profile: I was moderate (normal) 10 - 60 %

Celebrities whose risk profile is similar to yours:

Leonardo da Vinci 79 % similar
Niels Bohr, physicist 75 % similar
JRR Tolkien, author of 'The Lord of The Rings' 70 % similar

Favorable for you spheres of activity

Science
Art
Literature

Cool. :-)

posted by Heather @ 8:01 pm 3 comments

I have chairs!

At least, I will on Monday.

:-D

Well, I have to celebrate something. The Saints lost to Geelong today, and also lost half the flippin' team to injury. :-(

posted by Heather @ 7:02 pm 6 comments

You Never Expect The Spanish Inquisition

And now for something completely different.

I love surprises. I especially love it when someone I haven't seen in a while drops by unexpectedly and then (even more unexpectedly) keeps ones amused with bat and ball. And didn't the kids love it. I even got the washing off the line before the rain hit. For once. :-D

But have you ever noticed this only ever happens on the one day you've had a terrible couple of days and therefore decided to take an afternoon off instead of doing the requisite cleaning up? Especially when only a day earlier the place was spotless, except for a couple of yet-to-be unpacked boxes?

'Twas good. 'Twas swell. 'Twas brillig. The house is, once again, as clean as I can make it without unpacking said boxes. May even get around to doing that this weekend. Yay. May even find a small lounge. Yay-er.

It could be worse. I was having some severely traumatising 80s moments last night. And under the influence of caffeine overload, at that. Hoi! Nik Kershaw, Van Halen (BADly traumatising!)... if Pat Benatar had come on the radio I would've doen a complete time flash back to when I was 14 or so and... well... the driver of the car I was in would've been more traumatised than I was. And you can make of that whatever you like, Scott. :-P

So, today, after doing the washing and the housework and studiously ignoring the two boxes, I did veggie gardening.

The house has a small veggie garden already pre-dug, with a couple of unhappy capsicum plants and some chinese cabbage-like plants, bok choy or pak choy or something choy, not sure which. Nicky bought me some PLANTS (does the dance of joy and veggieness) when I moved in and I picked up a few more so I now have some neat rows of shallot seedlings and carrots seeds, and a couple of parsley plants and lettuces. (I did say "small", right?). Oh, and I think I threw in a couple of silverbeet seeds, iirc.

I have another very small patch of dirt at the front door which I have thrown in some pavers as "stepping stones" so I can get to the tap without the whole mud thing. It's happily pushing up nasturtium volunteers and some mondo grass at the moment but I've got big plans. Well, little plans (small features again, right?).

Was thinking... a jasmine and gardenia at the front step, throw in some alyssum, keep some of the nasturs, primulas from Nicky and Damon in the shadier spot, sweet peas on the front fence (and a couple of hanging pots, probably with a creeping thyme variety and maybe pansies or something). I'll sow some forget-me-nots but don't much like my chances (not enough winter), have some grape hyacinth bulbs and a pot with 2 varieties of lavender (which hates wet feet, only way of growing it up here is with pot or very raised, well-drained beds and, frankly, the pot is easier. I have one which'll suit already). I'd like a rose but think it would be too much trouble right now, for the same reason. Wet. Black spot. Sigh. Mind you, I think there's a nice David Austin that is immune to black spot and rust, may try it if I can find it... will deifintely if it's pink, I'm missing a touch of deeper pink in that mix. I have a mini rose from my mum that needs potting, but I think I'll put it up on the verandah. Depending on the sweet peas. Should have a rosemary in there too, although I have plans to put one out the back.

A day's work to plant, if that. Cool. And now it's written here, I will have somewhere to come if I forget what I'd wanted to do. :-D

It was calming. Until, of course, I had an insane moment and said "yes" to my daughter for pizza and a movie. Movies. The Karate Kid. And sequels (plural intentional). Whimper. 80s flashbacks. Ralph Macchio. Peter Cetera songs (I suppose it's the wrong time to mention I have the KK soundtrack on LP. Hehe, no.. "This is the time. This is the moment...been waiting so long to see you standing here.... we had a dream, we made it happen..." Oops. Sorry. And KK2 on cassette. Thirteen year-old girl is my excuse, ok??). It's almost enough to make me want to watch Footloose again.

Almost.

posted by Heather @ 9:25 pm 1 comments

Use By Dates

My good friend Liz wrote a piece for her blog that speaks to my current situation, called Expiry Dates. It's good. It's true. It also got me thinking, mostly because thinking is the thing right now (when you feel you can't act, you think. You being generic, meaning "me", not you personally, you know, you the reader. English is a funny language). My patience has gone. Definitely expired. And not just to do with the whole ex situation, but in other factors as well. which leads me to patience, in a way that actually has nothing to do with Liz's piece.

I'm told I'm a patient person. I dispute that, actually. People tend to look at a single woman with six kids and presume that if she isn't actually being driven medically insane, she must be riddled with abject patience. I think I'm just pretty good at looking like I'm patient. I exude patience even when, inside, I'm seething with IMpatience. I do put an expiry date on just about everything, in some cases longer than others, of course. Certain people get more of it than others.

I wonder, sometimes what it even means to be "patient". Just because I don't explode at someone doesn't mean I haven't lost patience with them. If that makes sense? I can be completely calm and still have no patience with someone. For example, I've completely lost patience with a certain male friend who probably has no idea, and I've no inclination to let him know, either. Is a "why bother?" attitude a sign of not having patience with them? I'm not sure. I'd say not. But given my "issues", I've no real inclination to play nursemaid when it comes to friendships any more. If there's no give and take there, it's not a friendship. At least, not my definition of friendship anyway (as opposed to, say, people who are in your social circle and you like a lot but aren't your close friends). Friends don't stay mute while you suffer. They bother. I'm a very fortunate woman, actually. I have many such friends. Even if we don't talk for a year, they're still friends.

Is it selfish of me to only want to worry about investing regularly in relationships that aren't one-sided? Probably. Fact is, though, I'm just too tired, and probably guilty of taking more than I give, too, lately, being too wrapped up in my own stuff to notice other's. We all do it occasionally. It's when it's our modus operandii that I'm talking about. I'm not talking about every day aquaintances. I'm talking about being taken for granted. I hope I don't do that. if I do, I'm sorry. I hope I tell my close friends regularly how important they are to me. And I hope that doesn't come off all creepy-stalker-y. :-S

But back to the subject as Liz wrote it... I have lost all capacity to bother with the ex's crap. I don't need to do anything about it, except hold firm and take care of the issues at hand, I just don't need to play any more. It's done. I'm done. I believe firmly in the "Do No Harm" tenet, but I also believe that what goes around...

I'm not going into detail here, but I and some of the kids had a fairly ghastly day yesterday. Really awful. Apocalyptic-like, gruesome awful. So it's good to have friends who get that while I'm going through this, I'm not so out-of-my-head available, but when they need me, I'm there, if they ask. It's the first time in my life I've actually felt free to be blah, to just feel how I actually feel with (seemingly, yes someone is going to notice the caveat ;-) ) no repercussions. I don't have to be "nice Heather", "happy, perky Heather", "obedient Heather", "unemotional Heather", "do-as-you're-fucking-well-TOLD Heather, it's your own bloody fault." I can cry, feel insane, get angry, vengeful, explain-what-I-mean, weak, helpless, learn-to-breathe and then.... get a call back later that night asking how I'm doing? No, you're not a bad person, we're HAPPY you feel able to talk about this, welcome to the human race, guess what, you're not superwoman (no, really) and how's your stash of Rescue Remedy going? You're not alone, how are you? Yes, I know you feel bad but I'll ask anyway so that, even though I know, you know I care enough to ask?

Nice to know my LL-6 levels are down. :-)

See, I really appreciate that single poem, very much. It does what a poem should do. I'm thinking; I'm emoting.

I appreciate the comments as well. Emails, phone calls. Thanks to those friends who have actually asked, answered, and most of all, supported verbally (and in writing, which is the same thing in some cases). And I hopes youse knows... if there's ever anything I can do...

posted by Heather @ 8:20 pm 6 comments

More on My Anti Lone Wolf Theory

From news.com.au today:

Loneliness 'causes heart disease'
May 02, 2005

BEING the life and soul of the party could be good for the heart, according to a study linking loneliness with furred-up arteries.

Researchers found that men who were socially isolated had raised levels of a blood chemical linked to heart disease.

The cell signalling protein, interleukin-6 (LL-6), is known to promote the inflammation that helps artery walls to thicken and harden. This in turn can lead to heart attacks and strokes.

US scientists studied 3267 men in the Framingham Heart Study.

Men who socially networked had significantly less LL-6 than socially isolated men.

The link, if you can use it before it expires:

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,15150247-13762,00.html

A new slogan for the Heart Assoc:

"Up your LL-6. Get outta the house."

I can see that catching on. hehe. :-D

posted by Heather @ 3:54 pm 0 comments