Editing Blues & Nostalgia
I was gently but royally told off yesterday, and very rightly so, I should add, for being negative on myself, or rather, my writing.I am a bit of a believer in the self-fulfilling prophecy. In that, if you believe you can't do something, well, duh, you won't do it. Having said that, I had a Heather moment the other day (for which I will blame the void & dark moon heading into Sagg) where I decided that my writing, once and for all, sucked. And voiced it on my YON group.
I am not a person who says "this is bad writing" when I don't believe it is (likewise, if I say to someone, "this is good", I am not blowing sunshine up your arse, I really mean it and believe it). I honestly looked at it and wondered what the hell I was doing.
I was not being fair on myself, and I know it (and knew it), but still. I had another look at the first 3 chapters of The Beth Book and noticed just about everything that was wrong with it, and honestly went into panic mode, mostly because I'm sending it off to an agent who's requested it soonish and, well, performance anxiety, I think.
Something new and different for me. Panic = Heather? Nope.
Something not new and different for me: decide what I'm doing is crap. Etc etc,. Blah blah blah. Nothing very different from what most writers have to deal with internally from time to time (and time to time to time).
I'm fortunate, though, to have a few people in my life (notably on the YON group lately) who will bring me up short when I do this (and let's face it, every time a writer screams "crap! I'm writing garbage!" it is an honest cry for help. And there's nothing wrong with that, actually. We all need support I think. Some of us *cough*me*cough* are just reluctant to ask for it).
But, as was pointed out to me, every time we say, "I am bad at this" we become a little more so. Quantum physics proves that our thoughts can have an affect (possibly minute but definitely measurable) on the people around us, so what more can a negative internal dialogue do to ourselves? Turns out I keep forgetting that, as we can have a negative self-fulfiller, we can also do the positive. I am very good at wishing good for others and seeing it happen, not so much when it comes to me.
I had Beth put it this way in the book: "I don't hope for stuff. I will either do something or I won't. That is all." That's pretty much where I stand, as well. either something will happen, or it won't. I had already decided, a long time ago, that this would happen. I have learned to ignore my internal voice, so I guess I've forgotten how powerful it can be. So, while I'm deciding that something will haoppen, my internals are botching it up.
I sometimes wonder where it's coming from, but the fear is definitely there (yes, Nic, and I'm actually feeling it this time, not just intellectualising it
:-P).
Why?
If it is bad, and it doesn't get published, then I improve my craft and try again, either with another edit of this book or another book. If it does get published and I earn a royalty from it, then who cares what "everyone" (except those who are actually publishing and/or buying the book) thinks?
And since when have I ever worried about whether something is possible or not? I am the person who, while everyone was telling me that it was stupid/impossible/dangerous to even contemplate having one VBAC, went on to have 5, and at home, too. I'd always been the person who just quietly did things while everyone was telling me that it couldn't be done.
What is so different this time? What is it I'm so afraid of? Why am I trying so hard to make excuses for myself, when I've already decided this will happen?
I forced myself to look very closely at this today rather than fobbing it off this time (I'm way too busy for self-aggrandisement, generally). I am very reluctant to "sell" myself (something every writer has to do). I think part of it is that I have been trained since toddlerhood not to be "arrogant" -- although this was more noticably drummed into me (literally) during my marriage by someone who didn't understand the difference between arrogance and self-belief. As a result, I think I have actually lost the ability to know whether I'm being arrogant or confident (although no trouble seeing the difference in other people). I am naturally very self critical, and my marriage made that tendancy stronger. The same tendency with the writing: I can see "good" or "needs improvement" in other people's stuff but have vast difficulties seeing the good in my own.
I thought I was past that. Obviously not. But, as Louise is fond of saying, writing is cheaper than a psychologist. It's all fodder for the grist. Material for the blog. Mill for the... whatever. I know what I mean.
Meanwhile, I've decided to try writing a couple of the next projects at once. It's the only way to do it right now. Too much happening in my head, and if I don't get it out, the top is likely to blow right off.
So I guess my next writer-development step is learning the difference between constructive self-editing and unrealistic expectation of ability: you know, learning to tell the difference between what is really bad and what is just a result of my own boredom or self-crit. Telling the difference, for me, is very difficult. Is this actually worthwhile or am I blowing sunshine up my own arse? Is this "bit of prose" actually very good or is this one of those times I need to cut due to author "look how clever I am" intrusion?
So, on other matters, there was a 20-year high school reunion a couple of weekends ago that I missed, unfortunately, despite plans to be there (long story best left unsaid). That's Yr 10, btw, not Yr 12. I regret it now, looks like it was a lot of fun. If you stumble onto this blog, feel free to drop me a line: bethgael AT mail2rose dot com
So, now I'm off to write. And to chastise the sneaky little voices that keep loudly proclaiming that I need to get over myself and do something more sensible-like. And to encorage that still, small voice that has already travelled forward in time and seen what I know will happen.
posted by Heather @ 3:51 pm
6 Comments:
When you master it, let me know how ;) I'm in a frozen state, more I suspect due to other stuff (it's weird having the sensation that there is someone out there who actually hates me and I don't use that word lightly). It gives you an idea of my state of mind - or should I say my dis-state of mind.
Had the medical week this week. Teeth are good (yay) other stuff Bah bloody humbug! But being told I have chronic stress issues (I didn't think I did) and knowing that this is a trigger for other stuff - urgh to cycles!
I know I don't normally rant here - it's reflective of my dis-state of mind really. And then I wonder why I haven't written a word. Besides.........*evil laughter* 7th Heaven has been put back on daytime free TV (need I say more????)
N
Hey hun,
I was kind of expecting you to let me know when I got it right. ;-)
I think a phone call/coffee shop trip is in order...
xx
Good blog.
Every time prior to sending something out, I get these feelings. Actual rejection doesn't even feel as harsh as the negativity and self criticizing that goes on in my head when I'm preparing the pieces.
I can imagine, Liz. You're even harder on yourself than I am, and for much less reason. :-)
I sometimes wonder if it is productive, or not. On the one hand, the ability to self crit is a godsend -- it means a writer won't send out anything they think is under par and taking genuine criticism is actually not a problem -- it doesn't make us stop writing when someone else does a crit because no-one could be harder on us than we are on ourselves.
The danger is, what we think is "under par" may, in fact, be absolutely fine. Just not what we... thought it would be?
I think you and I are alike in the way that either of us feel comfortable (if that's the right word) sitting back and going, "hey. That's actually pretty good." We both tend to look at where we can be rather than at how far we've come.
Perhaps?
xx
>>You're even harder on yourself than I am, and for much less reason.
That's how I see you. Maybe we are the same. But I think I'm much harder on myself now than back when we first met.
>>it doesn't make us stop writing when someone else does a crit because no-one could be harder on us than we are on ourselves.
You are right about this. I've posted on one of the most honest critique boards online and often expect to be slapped, but it never came. It's never as bad as I expect it to be, which is good. *G* When I get the crits, I feel grateful.
>>>The danger is, what we think is "under par" may, in fact, be absolutely fine. Just not what we... thought it would be?
It's hard to look at the excellent work of others and hard not to think to yourself, "why can't I write like that?" It's almost like the problem of anorexia, where the whole world can tell you you are doing just fine, but you can never see it.
>>> sitting back and going, "hey. That's actually pretty good."
Well I can, but it only last a second before I find something wrong with it somewhere!
>>>We both tend to look at where we can be rather than at how far we've come.
Just keeping eyes on the goal. :)
But I guess what is needed is to strike a balance -- to be able to see it both ways, and not be overrun by either ways of being overcritical of oneself or being so over-confident that one cannot accept crits.
>> Just keeping eyes on the goal :)
I say the same thing *grin*
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