The Ramblings of my Disorganised Mind

Use By Dates

My good friend Liz wrote a piece for her blog that speaks to my current situation, called Expiry Dates. It's good. It's true. It also got me thinking, mostly because thinking is the thing right now (when you feel you can't act, you think. You being generic, meaning "me", not you personally, you know, you the reader. English is a funny language). My patience has gone. Definitely expired. And not just to do with the whole ex situation, but in other factors as well. which leads me to patience, in a way that actually has nothing to do with Liz's piece.

I'm told I'm a patient person. I dispute that, actually. People tend to look at a single woman with six kids and presume that if she isn't actually being driven medically insane, she must be riddled with abject patience. I think I'm just pretty good at looking like I'm patient. I exude patience even when, inside, I'm seething with IMpatience. I do put an expiry date on just about everything, in some cases longer than others, of course. Certain people get more of it than others.

I wonder, sometimes what it even means to be "patient". Just because I don't explode at someone doesn't mean I haven't lost patience with them. If that makes sense? I can be completely calm and still have no patience with someone. For example, I've completely lost patience with a certain male friend who probably has no idea, and I've no inclination to let him know, either. Is a "why bother?" attitude a sign of not having patience with them? I'm not sure. I'd say not. But given my "issues", I've no real inclination to play nursemaid when it comes to friendships any more. If there's no give and take there, it's not a friendship. At least, not my definition of friendship anyway (as opposed to, say, people who are in your social circle and you like a lot but aren't your close friends). Friends don't stay mute while you suffer. They bother. I'm a very fortunate woman, actually. I have many such friends. Even if we don't talk for a year, they're still friends.

Is it selfish of me to only want to worry about investing regularly in relationships that aren't one-sided? Probably. Fact is, though, I'm just too tired, and probably guilty of taking more than I give, too, lately, being too wrapped up in my own stuff to notice other's. We all do it occasionally. It's when it's our modus operandii that I'm talking about. I'm not talking about every day aquaintances. I'm talking about being taken for granted. I hope I don't do that. if I do, I'm sorry. I hope I tell my close friends regularly how important they are to me. And I hope that doesn't come off all creepy-stalker-y. :-S

But back to the subject as Liz wrote it... I have lost all capacity to bother with the ex's crap. I don't need to do anything about it, except hold firm and take care of the issues at hand, I just don't need to play any more. It's done. I'm done. I believe firmly in the "Do No Harm" tenet, but I also believe that what goes around...

I'm not going into detail here, but I and some of the kids had a fairly ghastly day yesterday. Really awful. Apocalyptic-like, gruesome awful. So it's good to have friends who get that while I'm going through this, I'm not so out-of-my-head available, but when they need me, I'm there, if they ask. It's the first time in my life I've actually felt free to be blah, to just feel how I actually feel with (seemingly, yes someone is going to notice the caveat ;-) ) no repercussions. I don't have to be "nice Heather", "happy, perky Heather", "obedient Heather", "unemotional Heather", "do-as-you're-fucking-well-TOLD Heather, it's your own bloody fault." I can cry, feel insane, get angry, vengeful, explain-what-I-mean, weak, helpless, learn-to-breathe and then.... get a call back later that night asking how I'm doing? No, you're not a bad person, we're HAPPY you feel able to talk about this, welcome to the human race, guess what, you're not superwoman (no, really) and how's your stash of Rescue Remedy going? You're not alone, how are you? Yes, I know you feel bad but I'll ask anyway so that, even though I know, you know I care enough to ask?

Nice to know my LL-6 levels are down. :-)

See, I really appreciate that single poem, very much. It does what a poem should do. I'm thinking; I'm emoting.

I appreciate the comments as well. Emails, phone calls. Thanks to those friends who have actually asked, answered, and most of all, supported verbally (and in writing, which is the same thing in some cases). And I hopes youse knows... if there's ever anything I can do...

posted by Heather @ 8:20 pm