The Ramblings of my Disorganised Mind

Sounds like one of my logical threads....

Jon Cainer had a nice 'scope for the Arians today, which I found highly amusing because it sounds like the sort of argument I tend to have with myself fairly regularly. You know, internal blahblah.

"Tea for two. Two for tea. Me for you. You for me." Etc. But even here, in this glorious musical depiction of cosy coupledom, there is an implied point of conflict. How do we know that both parties don't really, secretly, want coffee? What if person A thinks that person B prefers tea and is thus, reluctantly, proffering that beverage? What if person B privately prefers the notion of coffee (just as person A does) but now feels obliged to say yes to the tea?

Of course, in Cainer's case, the message is summed up as "Just HOW good is the communication between you and you-know-who?". In my case, it ends up being a conversation with friends that goes something like:

"What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I really don't mind. You choose."

"I don't care. YOU choose."

"I don't know. What would you prefer to do?"

etc.

I realised after getting off the phone with D & N the other day (yes, I'm changing subject now. Keep up), that I still have some issues with the need to self-justify. I decided to have a dinner party. For most people, that means you decide to have a dinner party, invite your guests and do what you do. In my case, it ended up being a half hour on the phone, trying to explain exactly WHY I felt the need to do so, why it was not actually selfish of me to want to have guests, etc. I didn't even realise until that night what I was doing.

I have a ways to go. It has to do with 15 years of being made to feel guilty if I ever did anything that was even remotely fun (as in, the ex always did say I was much prettier when I was miserable. Apparently, it does something "lovely" to my eyes. That was, I might add, the only unsolicited compliment I ever received from him in all that time). You know, win a car, get told off. The only hobby I was allowed was one I could do inside the house (it took him a long time to break me on that one--I get too restless and irritable if my brain and body are too idle--but it did happen. First thing I did when he moved out was lease a horse)... but even then, we'd gotten to the point where the computer was a point of contention because it was the only social outlet I had.

I'm still not exactly sure how I managed to wrangle once-a-month Vision meetings after we moved up here. I think, iirc, I couched it in "writing as a possible source of income" terms.

Reminds me of when I was first separated, I was talking to my DV caseworker and mentioned a male name (hi Trevor!). I then spent 10 minutes explaining to her that he was only a friend, etc, until she finally stopped me. "Heather," she said, "It is none of my business what sort of relationship you have with Trevor or anyone else. You don't need to justify your friendships any more. In fact, if you want to go and bonk the entire Brisbane Broncos [my immediate thought: eeeeeeeeewwwwwww], so long as it doesn't affect your kids, it's no one's business. Especially his."

I don't really think she meant me to go do the newly divorced promisculity thing, but the message got through.

But anyway....

The propert agreement fell through. I should have expected that. H now wants double -- oh, but in return, he'll see the kids more. In other words, "Heather, pay me to see my own children." My irascible response would be "Tell you what, how about I DON'T pay you and you don't see the kids?" Sheesh. Can't have it both ways.

Of course, I'm not quite that stupid. Or, as a point of fact, that much of a cow. Sigh, and carry on, as they say. He'll get sick of the game eventually. My solicitor's working on it.

Mind you. I am starting (!!) to wonder about the man's, er, brain. And reasonaing capacity. I told him as he was picking up the 3 younger kids this weekend, knowing he was planning on taking them bush-walking, that # 5 son had the tail end of an ear infection so it would be a good idea if they stayed inside and kept the ear warm & out of the wind, etc, ie, not to go bushwalking, please. (He was back at school and OK inside but every break -- when they go outside -- was making the ear hurt).

So he took them swimming instead. On a day when it was so cold up here that I thought I was back in Canberra. The ambiant temp was OK, but the bloody wind chill.... Oh. My. Great. Aunt. Laura. I got the heater out, even.

End result? One very sick and sore-eared 6 year-old who had yet another day off school on Monday.

Can you say: ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH???????????????

To his credit, I suppose, he didn't take them bush walking.

:-
Been a busy week, kid-wise. # 3 son represented his school in district athletics yesterday. Unfortunately, he hurt himself on the 100m and came last in his heat (he's OK though, just corked it), and got 7th out of about 20 kids in the long jump. Wooloowin fielded a small team, about 15 kids -- there were other schools there with e-NOR-mous teams that took it all very seriously. #5 son (Master 6 :-D), got his second "Student of the Week" award last week, and #1 son has (woohoo!) 1. independently decided to actually study this semester, and 2. agreed to be my partner in some ballroom dancing classes. Happily, even. Cool bananas. So, #1 will be doing that, #3 starts cricket in late August and my daughter will be starting violin lessons soon. And hopefully drama with the after-school mob at Wooloowin. # 2 is extra-curricularless. He's talented art-wise and writing-wise so we'll see how he goes.

Good news: can almost hear properly again, and my voice is almost back, so a certain promised phone call should be forthcoming soon, Liz. :-) Hehe. I'll let you decide whether that's a Good Thing or not.

posted by Heather @ 8:37 am