The Ramblings of my Disorganised Mind

Warning...

mini-rant ahead....

I got desperate. I rang the ex's employer again (he'd previously said that the ex hadn't asked for leave... oh. Should mention that the reason the ex is giving for refusing to take the kids, at least to the kids, is that he "can't" get leave) and begged him to consider letting the ex have a few days off so he could see his kids. I should also mention that I know the ex's boss socially-ish, or I wouldn't do that. It's a measure of the desperation I felt at the time, as well, I guess. Well, the ex's boss said that they had, in fact, discussed it, and that he couldn't see his way clear to give the ex time off work. He just can't spare him right now.

I mean, huh????

Of course, it is true that men have trouble getting leave for their children: that's still considered "mum's job". Australia Post had an entrprise bargaining agreement not too long ago that scrapped paternity leave all together for some other useless thing (I think it was something for the games room). I think it sucks, myself. If we live in a truly equal society, how can we scrap paternity leave whilst extending maternity leave? It's sexist, that's what it is.

And ask any mother with half a brain and a good husband/partner what she would prefer: an extra 4 week's maternity leave on half pay or four weeks paternity leave for hubby to come home and help with the baby/other siblings/bond with his new kids/etc and what do you think we're going to answer? "Uh, yeah. I'd rather do this on my own on half-pay, thanks."

For the record, I hate the term "reverse sexism". It's "sexist" if we give preferential treatment to someone because they're male, but "reverse sexist" if we give preferential treatment to someone because they're female? Nope, you give preferential treatment to anyone because of their gender, no matter what that gender is, it's sexism. Just like "racism" applies to all races (yup, even if the target of that racism is white).

If women can get time off work because their kids are sick, etc (and granted, many women have a lot of difficulty with this, and I think it's partially because they're the ones that always have to take the time off, the hubby isn't), then men should be able to as well. Or at least make sure that they can't be fired if they take LWOP to assist a sick relative.

But... on another front: if it is true that the ex couldn't get time off work, why didn't he just say so? Something like, "Gee, Heather, I'm sorry about this, but I just can't get leave" would've been much less confrontational than "I'm not going to let you use me as a babysitter." (This same man who claims his role as "father" is being usurped by his bitch ex-wife relegates himself to that role of "forced babysitter" whenever it suits him to do so).

I'm not perfect, but I have to ask: what on earth did I do to that man so long ago that was so awful he not only singled me out to lie to, use and abuse, but that he uses up so much energy being so nasty? More than it would take to be pleasant? It doesn't make any sense. I have never deliberately tried to hurt him (and yes, that is honest. I never have). I have hurt him, no doubt (even in the most balanced, good relationships, couples will inadvertantly hurt each other), but not as a deliberate, vindictive act. I've been tempted to, believe me, but I just believe there are certain lines you don't cross, no matter what.

Oh, well. You get to a point where you go, "fine. *cough, hack* Enough already. *snort* You win. Broke me. *cough, cough* No can I please just get some time to get over my pneumonia on doctor's orders????"

But then, you get accused of being melodramatic.

Whatever.

Oh! The good news is... late last Friday, after I'd made my other post, my solicitor called.

"We have decided to accept your client's offer of $xx,xxx"

And in a sentence, it is finished. The property bit, anyhow. But there's an example of how he spent so much energy trying to make it hard on me that he made it more difficult on himself. That offer (and, hehe, MY offer??? See, I told you that letter they sent 3-ish weeks ago was familiar) was identical to the one that he should've taken 2 and a half months ago. He's spent that time trying to, basically, starve us out so he could get more--none of which (including what he will get) he is legally entitled to. All I can say is thank God for good friends, a helpful mother and bank errors in my favour, or it would've worked.

And do I feel triumphant? Vindicated? Even relieved? Nope. Just sad, as a whole. In any relationship where power games are the go, there's no such thing as a "win-lose" scenario.

If both halves of a couple, marriage, friendship, business partnership, etc., aren't 100% committed to "win-win", then it's always "lose-lose".

posted by Heather @ 10:08 am