Surprisingly edgy lately
Given that stuff seems to be sorting out, from the whole "wait and see" on the divorce thing to the fact I'm no longer coughing up a lung every time I walk five metres to the fact I'm now 10 full kilos (!!) down, I have been surprisingly (over??) emotional lately.
I could blame the full moon (the second in a row in Cap, ie, a true "blue moon"), along with the fact the moon is closer to the earth now than it is usually -- I have always been a bit susceptible to the whole moon thing (They don't call people "lunatics" for nuthin')... at least two, possibly three, of my kids were, uh... never mind.
Dreaming up a storm, too. Well, no, don't take that too literally: I am not responsible for the rain in Brisbane the last couple of days :-P. Dreams are not helping. Dreams spend too much time in the land of impossibility pretending to be reality for my liking lately.
Pftht.
I've been writing poetry, too. *shudders* Anyone who knows me will know what
that means -- my poetry makes Vogon verse seem mild in comparison. Seriously. I am really very bad, especially given that I tend to compare to 2 other people who are actually very good. I don't know if Richard is still writing poetry, but he had some good ones. And Liz, well, I've lauded her before and she tells me off for it, but I'll say it again. I want the talent she has in her little finger, please.
Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to Sir Tessa on her new job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Booyeah!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course, you realise,
as I just did, that the entire last post was one big self justification.
Yeah.
Saw Mr & Mrs Smith last night. It wasn't quite as awful as I thought it would be.
At It Again
A friend dropped by on Friday, and the first words out of my mouth were, basically, a justification as to why my house was in a mess and I was playing on my PS2 instead of doing something useful.
I mean, don't I learn?
Again, I realised MUCH later what I was doing.
Apart from the fact that my house, actually, wasn't in that much of a mess, all things considered (ie, clean but untidy... and all of the "untidy" was due to the fact that I had a 3 year-old on a rampage that day, and after spending the moring picking up after it, I relaised it was a pointless exercise--it could wait until that night when he went to his father's). Basically, my 3rd son had left his clothes on the floor of his room, and there were Mister 3 yo's toys on the floor of the lounge (he was using them) and a pile of formerly folded clothes on the floor of my room which I had decided could wait until later, the house was OK. Oh, and there was some washing up to do, like, 3 plates and a saucepan or something.
Point is, said friend is not an exemplary housekeeper either (sorry, Scott, but it's true), and that's never bothered
me when I've popped by there.
So I'm still reacting to my ex. Sigh. Thought I was done with that. Lizard brain -- ain't it fun? I spent so much time
having to explain everything I did, from whether I wanted to go somewhere or whether the house was messy or what-have-you to whether I wanted to study or see a friend or blahblah taht it's a habit now.
So, notice to any friends and family who feel like coming past (yes, Nicky, I know what you're going to say :-P):
1. Pop by whenever you like. I may feed you, I may not. Depends on what's in the house. The house is OPEN.
2. The house may, or may not, be in a mess, depending on what sort of week I've had. Or whether I just feel like a day off (likely, not. Actually, only if Scott's decided to come by. Then you can bet your bottom dollar I've decided to do frumpy ;-) ). I have many children. I write, or would like to, more often. This means something has to give. This means my kitchen floor may need to be mopped. This means I may not vacuum every day (although with 6 kids you need to). I will not be explaining myself. Don't worry, though, I will not be breeding salmonella or e. coli.
3. I have children. Get over it. :-P
4. In that note, the kids will talk your ear off for a while. They get excited when people drop by. The 3 yo hasn't learnt how to stop talking when he should, yet. But the more he sees people, the less excited he'll be and the more "who cares?" he'll be. Then he'll go and do his own thing. He has also learned push-ups. Ha ha.
5. I will remind myself of the fact that I don't need to defend myself 100% of the bloody day. Kick me if I forget. Gently.
Yes, the above was more for my benefit than yours. I already know you know. (See, Nicky? :-P)
But enough about my crap.
When Sean Williams was down to tutor for Clarion, he forced us all to watch a Bill Bailey DVD. Yes, Sean is cruel, mean and.... nah, kidding. That man is
funny. (I mean Bill, not Sean... although Sean is also funny, in a Sean sort of way and... you know what I mean). Anyhows.... I finally got around to watching the first disc in season one of Black Books (which, for anyone who doesn't know, Bill Bailey is in). Oh My Great Aunt
Laura I was very hugely amused for a very long time.
Good one, Sean.
Oh, and for anyone who doesn't already know, Sean is our Australian Guest of Honour for the 2006 SF NatCon,
ConJure, to be held in Brisbane, for which I am the overall programming director, in concert with Cory Daniells (panels), Rob Hoge (short story com and readings) and Rob Dobson (movies). So we want your suggestions, for this is YOUR con! Pop over to the website and email me your questions, comments and desires.
Umm, that would be those relating to the Con, of course. ;-)
Er. Bye. I am going to go and finish the washing, and I think I'll play on the PS2. All day. HA.
(You may notice that I'm doing the washing, too. This avoids the guilt thing.... *blush*)
Oh, side note, for those who are keeping track (hi dad!), I am now at a quarter of the weight I need to lose, off. Wait, that didn't make sense. I mean, I've lost a quarter of the excess I need to lose. 9 kilos down, 28-odd to go. I celebrated by going out and indulging in Baskin's (kidding! hehe hee). And that was without actually trying. Wonder what'll happen if I make an actual effort. :-)
Sounds like one of my logical threads....
Jon Cainer had a nice 'scope for the Arians today, which I found highly amusing because it sounds like the sort of argument I tend to have with myself fairly regularly. You know, internal blahblah.
"Tea for two. Two for tea. Me for you. You for me." Etc. But even here, in this glorious musical depiction of cosy coupledom, there is an implied point of conflict. How do we know that both parties don't really, secretly, want coffee? What if person A thinks that person B prefers tea and is thus, reluctantly, proffering that beverage? What if person B privately prefers the notion of coffee (just as person A does) but now feels obliged to say yes to the tea? Of course, in Cainer's case, the message is summed up as "Just HOW good is the communication between you and you-know-who?". In my case, it ends up being a conversation with friends that goes something like:
"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know. What do you want to do?"
"I really don't mind. You choose."
"I don't care. YOU choose."
"I don't know. What would you prefer to do?"
etc.
I realised after getting off the phone with D & N the other day (yes, I'm changing subject now. Keep up), that I still have some issues with the need to self-justify. I decided to have a dinner party. For most people, that means you decide to have a dinner party, invite your guests and do what you do. In my case, it ended up being a half hour on the phone, trying to explain exactly WHY I felt the need to do so, why it was not actually selfish of me to want to have guests, etc. I didn't even realise until that night what I was doing.
I have a ways to go. It has to do with 15 years of being made to feel guilty if I ever did anything that was even remotely fun (as in, the ex always did say I was much prettier when I was miserable. Apparently, it does something "lovely" to my eyes. That was, I might add, the only unsolicited compliment I ever received from him in all that time). You know, win a car, get told off. The only hobby I was allowed was one I could do inside the house (it took him a long time to break me on that one--I get too restless and irritable if my brain and body are too idle--but it did happen. First thing I did when he moved out was lease a horse)... but even then, we'd gotten to the point where the computer was a point of contention because it was the only social outlet I had.
I'm still not exactly sure how I managed to wrangle once-a-month Vision meetings after we moved up here. I think, iirc, I couched it in "writing as a possible source of income" terms.
Reminds me of when I was first separated, I was talking to my DV caseworker and mentioned a male name (hi Trevor!). I then spent 10 minutes explaining to her that he was only a friend, etc, until she finally stopped me. "Heather," she said, "It is none of my business what sort of relationship you have with Trevor or anyone else. You don't need to justify your friendships any more. In fact, if you want to go and bonk the entire Brisbane Broncos [my immediate thought: eeeeeeeeewwwwwww], so long as it doesn't affect your kids, it's no one's business.
Especially his."
I don't really think she meant me to go do the newly divorced promisculity thing, but the message got through.
But anyway....
The propert agreement fell through. I should have expected that. H now wants double -- oh, but in return, he'll see the kids more. In other words, "Heather, pay me to see my own children." My irascible response would be "Tell you what, how about I DON'T pay you and you don't see the kids?" Sheesh. Can't have it both ways.
Of course, I'm not quite that stupid. Or, as a point of fact, that much of a cow. Sigh, and carry on, as they say. He'll get sick of the game eventually. My solicitor's working on it.
Mind you. I am starting (!!) to wonder about the man's, er, brain. And reasonaing capacity. I told him as he was picking up the 3 younger kids this weekend, knowing he was planning on taking them bush-walking, that # 5 son had the tail end of an ear infection so it would be a good idea if they stayed inside and kept the ear warm & out of the wind, etc, ie, not to go bushwalking, please. (He was back at school and OK inside but every break -- when they go outside -- was making the ear hurt).
So he took them
swimming instead. On a day when it was so cold up here that I thought I was back in Canberra. The ambiant temp was OK, but the bloody wind chill.... Oh. My. Great. Aunt. Laura. I got the heater out, even.
End result? One very sick and sore-eared 6 year-old who had yet another day off school on Monday.
Can you say: ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH???????????????
To his credit, I suppose, he didn't take them bush walking.
:-
Been a busy week, kid-wise. # 3 son represented his school in district athletics yesterday. Unfortunately, he hurt himself on the 100m and came last in his heat (he's OK though, just corked it), and got 7th out of about 20 kids in the long jump. Wooloowin fielded a small team, about 15 kids -- there were other schools there with e-NOR-mous teams that took it all very seriously. #5 son (Master 6 :-D), got his second "Student of the Week" award last week, and #1 son has (woohoo!) 1. independently decided to actually
study this semester, and 2. agreed to be my partner in some ballroom dancing classes. Happily, even. Cool bananas. So, #1 will be doing that, #3 starts cricket in late August and my daughter will be starting violin lessons soon. And hopefully drama with the after-school mob at Wooloowin. # 2 is extra-curricularless. He's talented art-wise and writing-wise so we'll see how he goes.
Good news: can almost hear properly again, and my voice is almost back, so a certain promised phone call should be forthcoming soon, Liz. :-) Hehe. I'll let you decide whether that's a Good Thing or not.
This says it all (for now)
I don't really need to say much, Jon
Cainer pretty well covers it:
There may be hope on the horizon but the horizon doesn't seem to be getting any closer - no matter how tirelessly you run towards it. Much the same can be said about your overall state of emotional stability. You know how things ought to be. You can even see how, in theory, it should be possible to make them that way. Yet... where's the progress?Yeah. That says it all. And it's the dark of the moon. And I'm tired.
The rest:
Cheer up. Your outlook will radically improve with regard to both inner and outer security. You'll soon be feeling much more enthusiastic... for a good reason.One can hope so! Enthusiasm is pretty hard to come by at the moment. I'm still pneumonic and Master 6 has an ear infection, the poor little blighter woke up last night in quite some pain... and he tells me it didn't even hurt when he went to bed. He's had a rough trot lately too... must be a Capricorn thing (he is also a Cap, like me; our birthdays are exactly a week apart. And he's just like a cute little old man sometimes! He has a sagg rising though, which makes him... er... talkative). Sleep hard to come by lately. I feel like just playing on the PS2 all day or something ridiculous.
I did end up going to EnVision, thanks to my mum and Cory Daniels and her daughter) bailing me out, babysitting-wise. Thankyou so much mum. And Cory has gone above and beyond for me, more than once. I hope I have a book to publish so I can write that very public thankyou soon. :-D
Proper update when I actually have a brain.
