The Ramblings of my Disorganised Mind

Enough is enough

I just wanted to share this quote. It was originally from an article about Nicole Brown Simpson's death, but it's applicable to the 50% of women (and some men, of course) in a partnership, married, defacto, gay or dating who are abused in this state some time in their lives. Yes, that figure seems high, but it is that high because of the high levels of spousal abuse in indigenous communities (still something we don't talk about for fear of being called "racist", while the indigenous community continues to suffer under this burden nonetheless). But the Australian figure is still 39 - 40%. And that's too high.

And I was, until recently, one of those statistics. And I'm still ashamed to admit that.

I'm now far enough away from it to be genuinely angry.

When do abusers (male or female, while I can applaud the Federal government's "Violence Against Women -- Australia says NO" campaign, about 5% of the genuinely abused are men abused by women, or, in a rising statistic, their gay partners) give themselves permission to act this way? Why do we defend that? Or on the other hand, why do we shake our heads and talk about how awful it is but still do nothing?

And if I hear one more "the poor bloke, he was abused as a kid too," comment, I shall scream. It's a reason, but it's an EXCUSE not a PASSPORT to behave the same way. My ex told my daughter that the reason he hit me was because his father died when he was 13 and he never received "proper guidance". Sure he did. He knew it was wrong: he said so. He just chose not to stop it. How dare he tell his daughter that? How dare he act like he did nothing wrong? How dare he set her up for a similar relationship that way?

I know of at least two fine upstanding men, one quite close to me, who lost their fathers at an early age or were abused or bullied as kids. They chose not to behave that way. I know a couple of men who weren't abused as kids who do.

What is wrong with our society when a videotaped bullying session that leaves a kid in hospital gets the victim suspended from school as well for "retaliating"? (read: defending himself against five boys -- one who did ju-jitsu for 7 years -- while some 20 other students stood and watched while this kid was beaten so badly he couldn't move and did nothing.

We blame her, as the batterer did. We ask why she stayed, though we, of course, were not prepared to stand between her and the batterer so that she could leave. And if, after she is dead, we tell the police that we heard the accused murderer beat her in 1977, and saw her with black eyes--as Nicole's neighbors did--we will not be allowed to testify, which may be the only justice in this, since it has taken us 17 years to bother to speak at all.

Every battered woman learns early on not to expect help. A battered woman confides in someone, when she does, to leave a trail. nd if we don't, out of fear or the feeling that doing so is pointless anyway, we are asked why it took so long. She overcomes her fear of triggering violence in the batterer if he finds out that she has spoken in order to leave a verbal marker somewhere, with someone. She thinks the other person's word will be believed later.

Every battered woman faces death more than once, and each time the chance is real: The batterer decides. Eventually, she's fractured inside by the continuing degradation and her emotional world is a landscape of desperation. Of course, she smiles in public and is a good wife. He insists--and so [does society].

The desperation is part fear--fear of pain, fear of dying--and part isolation, a brutal aloneness, because everything has failed--every call for help to anyone, every assumption about love, every hope for self-respect and even a shred of dignity. What dignity is there, after all, in confessing, as Nicole did in her diary, that O.J. started beating her on a street in New York and, in their hotel room, "continued to beat me for hours as I kept crawling for the door." He kept hitting her while sexually using her, which is rape--because no meaningful consent is possible or plausible in the context of this violence.

Every battered woman's life has in it many rapes like this one. Sometimes, one complies without the overt violence but in fear of it. Or sometimes, one initiates sex to try to stop or head off a beating. Of course, there are also the so-called good times--when romance overcomes the memory of violence. Both the violation and the complicity make one deeply ashamed. The shame is corrosive. Whatever the batterer left, it attacks. Why would one tell? How can one face it?

How, indeed.

Battered wife syndrome is often ignored simply because, often, after a period of time, she's no longer battered physically (watch for comments like "he used to hit me but doesn't any more."). However, in some respects such relationships are similar to cult brainwashing. And doesn't it make me feel ashamed to admit that! Why? because it makes me feel stupid, is why. How stupid was I to stay? Never mind the fact that my IQ could get me into Mensa, I'm still not very smart.

I stayed, after all, right?

Quoted from Captive Hearts, Captive Minds:
Freedom and Recovery from Cults and Abusive Relationships
By Madeleine L. Tobias and Janja Lalich

The similarities between cultic devotion and the traumatic bonding that occurs between battered individuals and their abusers are striking. An abused partner is generally made to submit to the following types of behaviors:

• early verbal and/or physical dominance,
  
• isolation/imprisonment
  
• fear arousal and maintenance
  
• guilt induction
  
• contingent expressions of "love"
  
• enforced loyalty to the aggressor and self-denunciation
  
• promotion of powerlessness and helplessness
  
• pathological expressions of jealousy
  
• hope-instilling behaviours
  
• required secrecy
  

When psychological coercion and manipulative exploitation have been used in a one-on-one cultic relationship, the person leaving such a relationship faces issues similar to those encountered by someone leaving a cultic group.

I am going to post this list of pointers simply because if one person, just one, can avoid or leave a relationship that will leave them battered, emotionally or physically, or dead, then it will go some small way to repay the universe for the help I've received over the past couple of years.

Abusers are, basically, closet narcissists. This is even if they seem to be underconfident (or perhaps especially so). This isn't, of course to say that an underconfident man will abuse, of course not!

Narcissism is:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity as seen through fantasy or behaviour, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.

Beware of someone you are involved with has five (or more) of the following characteristics common amongst those diagnosed with "Narcissistic Personality Disorder."

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
  
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
  
• Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
  
• Requires excessive admiration.
  
• Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
  
• Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
  
• Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
  
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
  
• Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes.

Note: These criteria are excerpted from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 1994, American Psychiatric Association.

And tell someone. You are not alone, and are not the only person who goes through this. It is NOT your fault. Let me say that again. It is not your fault. Even if you are, say, a complete bitch, he chooses to hit you rather than leave you for it. That's his problem. A healthy man, if you are, in fact, that "bad", may say, "stop that or I will not stay with you," and expect change, but will not beat you up for it. If he pushes your buttons to make you explode first and then hits you, he's the problem. If he stands in a doorway and won't let you out of a room unless you have to push him to get out of it and then hits you in "defence", he has a problem. If he tells you you're not worth anything, he is the problem. If he has sex with you without your permission, even without hitting, he is a rapist. Even if you are asleep. Even if you give in to prevent violence.

And, guys, please. Tell your brothers it's not on. Men who do this don't listen to females: we're the problem, the loony raving feminazis who are sucking the life out of them. One thing the much-maligned Puritans did do: they kicked men who hit their wives out of the church. And if you're a violent female, stop it. Now. I don't care what your excuse is, how badly you were treated once, or now, doesn't justify you putting others through the same hell you've been through. You know what harm you're doing: you should know better.

If you have anger management issues, or a medical disorder that makes it hard for you to utilise self-control, get some counselling or take your meds. If you're so angry you want to kill something, buy a punching bag and walk away from children and loved ones. Because if you do something insane when you're on a boiler, you'll regret it when you are healthy again -- and there's no going back once you've killed someone.

And if you're a female, or male, who's EVER lied about being raped or abused, shame on you, and thanks for making it harder for real victims to get taken seriously. Get a grip.

Enough is enough.

posted by Heather @ 9:40 pm