The Ramblings of my Disorganised Mind

Of Friends and Phone Calls

Listening to: My kids watch Shrek 2

Mood: perplexed. Not because of the kids or the movie. hehe.

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a lot of lightbulbs. (*smash*)



I've been asked to explain something, so I will, today, try to do so. Trouble is, I don't fully "get" it myself, but there you go. That's the nature of life: you're always being asked "why?" about things when you're not sure yourself. However, rather than just giving up, I will usually try to find out. If I don't know something, I'll worry it until I do. There's a lot to be said about admitting you don't know something, but the whole reason for that is so you can find it out later. :-)

So this will be more of a ramble than usual, but bear with me.

The good news is that I know I'm not the only person who's like this. So that is a Good Thing.

Here's the thing: I was admonished by someone the other night because I hadn't phoned him in about, I think it's 3 weeks or so. My instant response was "well, you haven't exactly phoned me either." What I wanted to say was "and there's something wrong with your dialling finger is there??" ;-)

I understand that this person doesn't usually phone anyone else, either, so it's nothing personal. I think. No, he's quick to reassure me there, and it actually doesn't bother me too much. However, I realised that nothing over the last year and a half that this person and I have done, in other's company or just us, has been instigated by him. It's always a group thing, or a mutual third party, (or me) who says, "Hey, want to go to a movie?" or whatever.

Again, I really don't have a problem with this, he is who he is and I love him and that's perfectly OK. This is not a treatise on who he is (or whether he should be that way or whatever), but why I react to that the way I do. He's just the current example of what I mean to give the question context for the person doing the asking.

See, that one-sided thing always sets off alarm bells for me. And this is why, I think:

I once had a friend, who I will call Mark, who I met when I was 15. He was similar to my current friend: in 16 years of friendship, he never, ever called me (unless it was to return a call I'd made), asked me to go anywhere or what-have-you, even though we did lots of stuff together. And that honestly didn't bother me: he was like that with everyone, to the point where he started complaining not long after we left school that he was losing touch with people and how he hadn't heard from his best (male) friend in six months. Of course, I was blatant enough then to ask "And is there something wrong with your dialling finger?" but I'm pretty sure he never got it. In my case, he was always happy to see me (he said) and I didn't have the unselfconfidence thing going on; there was a history, I was comfortable, blah blah. He always returned calls and, let's face it, he was horrible at keeping in touch with his girlfriend or his mother, let alone anyone else. Partly to save money on phone bills, partly because he just didn't get that he actually was affecting others by being him. He didn't get that people would want to talk to him and he constantly needed it proven to him that they would go to that effort--without him ever having to make the same effort.

Fact is, though, that's what happens. I was happy (at the time) to just get that this was who he was and that if we wanted to stay friends then I would need to contact him every year or so. Didn't bother me at all. Didn't bother him at all. But most people just end up going "well, bugger it then, if they don't want to know me..."

Because that's what it looks like. That they just couldn't be bothered. In Mark's case, if you didn't bump into him at work or the pub, you were off his radar and he never contacted anyone he didn't need to. That was him. But in most cases, if people don't contact you, ever, it's a subtle brush off. I have no issues with that. But, usually, I can tell the difference.

Mark and I, I should probably say, were never more than "just friends". I had a bit of a crush on him when I was 15 for a bit (actually, if the truth be known he was the certified unrequited LOML in a Xander-Willow way for a while, but we all grow up, hehe). There was also a period of time (I found out much later) he felt a similar way about me, but I think those times didn't coincide and it's not like he behaved any differently at the time, so who could tell? (Words, gentlemen, always help, and I think I will say again that an offer of a car pool does NOT a date request make!) We went on several trips together, spent quite a bit of time. But I always had a lot of affection for the guy, which is why I bothered, of course. He was (is, I should say, AFAIK, he isn't dead or anyhing) a good bloke, fun and witty. A Virgo though. Virgo males have their issues. I have nothing more to say about that.

Thing about me: if you're a friend of mine (as opposed to an acquaintance or what-have-you), you're important to me. Not in an obsessive sort of way, of course. Usually (evil grin).

You're on my mind, anyway. So, if I see a book or a film that I think someone will like, I'll think "oh, such-and-such would like that," etc. Of course it'll be a different person depending on what it is, but whatever. It's a part of that "many trains of thought all the time" thing I do. So, even if I'm not "in love" with someone, if they're a friend, they have an influence on my emotional life. Small, medium, whatever. So, if they say something mean, it hurts. If they say something nice, it matters.

Of course, if I am "in love" with someone, that's a whole different matter. Multiply my lack of confidence by the power of ten-point-two. Then there's the whole hand-shakey thing going on, the pretend-I-don't-care-what-you-think and the "no touchy until you touch me" rule. And the URST, which explains the "no touchy" rule, but let's not go there.

No different from most people, really.

Or so I thought.

Having said that, I'm also the sort of person who doesn't like to impose themselves on other people's lives. If someone doesn't contact me around as frequently as I contact them, then that's pretty one-way and I take the hint, with allowances for the individual of course. I don't just drop by someone's house without an invitation until there's the spoken "open invitation". Heck, I won't even SMS someone without a valid reason without an invitation. I'm easier on the other guy, though. Impose on me all you like, I'll let you know if you've gone too far. hehe.

Of course, I get that friends come and go, that's life. I'm OK with that, because I'm actually medically sane.

No, really.

I also get that people have lives, that they have better things to do than make me the "centre" of their world (never expected that of anyone and I don't do it myself: that's just for the record). I have a couple of very long-term friends who I speak to on average once a year and we take up where we left off and all's good. There's the distance thing as well. Sometimes one or the other of us will just go "holy toledo, six months has passed and I haven't spoken to Clare/Heather" or "...dad" or "surely, it's not Lisa/Heather's birthday again, wow, time flies" etc. In fact, if I haven't heard from someone in a while, I just presume they have a life and put calling them on my "to do" list. Often, they call me before I get a chance. Usually, within the day. Frequently, just as I'm thinking about them.

Back to Mark. The last time I saw him was March or so last year (2003). My friend Liz visited from Singapore (and that was so great I hope we can do it again sometime Liz!) and we flew down Canberra way then drove the 1800-odd kilometres back up here so that Liz could see sum-muth-u cun-tree. We popped by to Mark's work (he's a sheep farmer) and Liz had a taste of country life, sheep farm and all. Actually, we chopped wood, which was actually more fun than it sounds. His last words were "keep in touch".

Which I did, of course. Now, with Mark, that basically amounts to a phone call every month or so and the odd email. Not like I was in his ear every day or anything, I'm too busy for that. People have lives. But, the last good phone conversation we had June 2003 was actually a really long one about my book, he was helping me with a stodgy character and it was usual, pleasant, etc. Happy to hear from me (actually he return-called me), business as usual. Then he stopped returning calls two months running, which I thought nothing of because he's like that with everyone, right? Then the last phone call about September last year, I called to let him know my change of email addy and he just said "Not interested, Heather" and hung up.

And that was that. The end of a friendship that spanned half my life with no explanations and no preamble.

Kick-in-stomach-type OW...CH.

But then, annoying. I hate not knowing what the hell I did wrong.

But I dealt and it's done.

However, now I'm a bit gun-shy. When you add that to the fifteen years of the "you're worth freakin' nothing to nobody" message I got from my ex husband (usually acommpanied by some verbal insults or, occasionally, a fist) I'm now a little less stable when it comes to what are, essentially, one-sided friendships. Actually, there's even more to that ex thing which explains my attitude even more but I'm not going into it. The close friends know.

So what that means is, while the other person is just "doing what they always do" and thinking everything's fine (and wondering why I haven't called in 3 weeks :-P) I'm wondering if I'm actually imposing in an unwelcome fashion in their lives. Not that it's on my mind all the time or anything, but when I go to pick up the phone to give someone a quick call, I hesitate and usually decide not to. Because my friends are important to me and I don't want to be a pain in the arse. I have actually been on the other end, where someone you don't want in your life won't leave you alone and you're too polite to say "Go away." (for the couple of like-me friends I currently have, this is no-one I know right now :-P)

Which is why, by the way, if you read this, person-with-wee-admonishment-that-wasn't-really, you didn't hear from me for 3 weeks. Wasn't sure if I'd be bothering you. And I'm not big on that whole "ouch" thing. "I don't want to talk to you", even in that context... OUCH. :-P

There are some reasons, I think, people tend to leave the "keep in touch" thing to others (I have a son who is incidentally like this. I've watched him do things that, to him, aren't a rejection but actually are to anyone watching, including to the person trying to make friends and then he'll complain in complete ignorant perplexity that he can't seem to make friends. He honestly doesn't know).

One: they're shy and don't make friends easily, and over time the friends they did make have let them down. So there's a "why bother?" thing going on. I did that for a while, until a couple of people dragged me out and made me realise that it's actually worth it. Yes, I'm actually shy, deep down. Hey, stop laughing!!! Some people talk more when they're nervous, you know! :-P

or

Two: they really don't give a crap about the people around them and don't mind if people think that of them.

or

Three: A bit down from the "don't give a crap" thing. They do, but they want others to make the effort because that proves something to them, that they're worth something. It's just that they've forgotten the fine art of knowing how to make others feel like they're worth something. Been here too, briefly. Waste of time and doesn't work. Others just think you fall into the "Two" category. And it's actually quite manipulative when you think about it.

My ex still does this. His kids think he doesn't care because he wants them to prove to him they love him. Guess who loses?

or

Four: They really don't get that they are important to others, and have an effect on those people when they ignore them. They think that others can't love them. Or won't. They just don't have the "I'm an important person to my friends" on their radar. It doesn't occur to them that the other person actually has real affection for them and that their own lack of interest actually affects the other person negatively. If they did know, they might be different, but for whatever reason, they don't.

or

Five: They do get that they're important to me, personally, but I creep them out. They want me to go away, please, and are just too polite and/or gutless to say so.

or

Six: all of the above, in bits and pieces, depending on whether the moon is in the fourth house and Saturn's in retrograde and butting heads with Mars.

hehe.

Basically, I'm less accommodating than I used to be, mostly because I've had enough of feeling like I'm crap to people. I'm not, and most people don't treat me that way: I have some fantastic friends. But I'm all accommodated out after the ex. I'm not the sort of person, however, who wants it all my way, but I'm more likely to take a one-sided friendship as an "I don't care, go away" message, simply because that's how my lizard brain works right now. Even when the intellect knows full well that isn't it. And no-one likes to be taken for granted, either, and I'm no different.

I can be selfish too. What a surprise, she says dryly.

Of course, there are periods of time when either side of a friendship will be doing all of the contacting for whatever reason. One friend, for example, has had a hell year at work and for about 4 months he never called simply because he was exhausted and nesting and feeling blobby and he needed someone else to call him fairly regularly so he wouldn't socially (and emotionally) fade out altogether, so I made sure I kept in contact. However, over these last 2 months it's been the other way around, he's kept in contact with me despite his busy-ness because he's aware of the pretty crappy stuff I'm dealing with and feels the need to make sure I'm OK. Which I appreciate, because without his contact, and the contact of a couple of others as well (you know who you are), I wouldn't be OK. I'd be decidedly Un-OK.

But that's what friends are for. We need each other.

Lone wolves die.

posted by Heather @ 12:49 pm