Dating Ten Rules
Well, it finally happened. The implosion, I mean. Remember the "mother of all headaches" I had a few weeks back? The one I had yesterday and into last night (and still carry the vestiges of this morning) made that one seem like a baby. It was worse than the hormonal migraines I used to experience (and they were bone-wrenching). So, feeling a bit washed out this morning. Actually, I feel like a bag of white rice (you know, pallid, nutritionless and recently de-husked).The way things were yesterday, I wouldn't be surprised if Mercury just went retrograde or something. Sheesh. It was so bad I called my ex for help. 'Nuff said.
Edit: Funny! I just checked my Cainer for yesterday and today. Mercury IS, in fact, heading retrograde! ROFLMAO.
Anyhow, enough about me.
There is a fellow at the Lifeline we know as Kaenash. Kaenash and I have a bit of a chequered history, actually. Way back when I was a newbie, he did one of his "sense of humour" flames on me, you know, the ones that aren't really a flame but seem like one unless you know the guy better? I didn't know the guy better. All in all, though, I don't mind the K, actually I quite like him even if he IS a Libran. :-D
Anyway, he posted this a week or so back, and I liked it so much I asked him if I could post it here. he said no, so I decided to do it anyway. Kidding.
I put my comments and resonses in as well.
Dating ten Rules
I wrote this in response to someone who was saying that the way to get a girl, is to pretend you already have a girlfriend. Now bear in mind, this guy considers himself "The worlds sexiest man" his avatar actually says that.
So here was my response;
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I think if the idea is to convince someone that you were dating someone else, in order to appear more attractive, you are basically starting off on the wrong foot.
Thats a big difference than saying someones blouse looks nice, when as a guy you could care less either way.
I think there is no simple set of 10 rules.
I think that based on your age range, and goals, that your methods have to be changing and you can't rely on anything as a simple or quick fix. That would be like saying "Here are the 10 rules of being a doctor" and that substituting for years of study, thought and effort that goes into being succesful.
Only through having a HEALTHY relationship with others, can you actually establish how to do it. Starting off with this elaborate hoax that you think will make you seem more attractive is not healthy.
Neither is calling yourself the worlds sexiest man, if you ask me. But then, thats just my opinion.
Yeah, a bit of a wank, really.
I said: I agree with the first bit (speaking as a girl hehe), K. Any relationship that's based in, or starts with a lie (whether the lie makes one seem better than or worse than one really is), is doomed eventually.
And, really, do guys really want to attract a girl who's only interested in "taken" men?
But then, if both parties are that untrustworthy, they deserve each other. ;-)
If I had to give some really high level advice, here it is;
This would be for adult heterosexual men;
1. BE HONEST, BUT...and there is a But here. Just like when you go for a job interview you don't scratch yourself and talk about your previous sex life with your last girlfriend, you must show an aspect of yourself on a date. Don't treat her like one of the 'guys' or say 'well I am just being honest, my last girlfriend liked it up the butt". No one wants to hear that on the first date.
2. Don't fix her problems. Women seem to love to tell you about some issue that seems to bother them. Apparently, we are supposed to just listen. I am still working on this one myself, and find myself wanting desperately to solve it for them. Just listen, and respond with "I bet that makes you mad, when that happens?" or "What are you going to do about it?" and try not to solve it, even if she asks.
Woohoo, someone who understands the concept, in theory anyhow. ;-)
Except I would say unless she asks. Sometimes we ask for advice because we need it (at least, I do). Otherwise, we just need a sympathetic ear.
3. Don't ever complain about the cost of dating or whatever. If you can't afford to pay for dinner, don't ask her out. Don't bring it up, don't even mention the subject. Just be above it. If she insists on paying half or the check, thats fine, let her, but say "Do you mind if I leave a tip?" you will at least seem like you have manners. Its traditional that the guy pay, and there is no point even having a conversationa bout it.
4. Don't try to have sex or french kiss on the first date. The best thing you can do is be a gentleman. What you want to do before you start a 'fire' is to prime it. Take your time and go on several short and fun dates if you can, and then eventually when things are right, and you've primed that fire, you may be able to light it. Follow her lead, she'll let you know. By no means should you say "May I kiss you?" if its that awkward, and you aren't sure, then even if the answer might have been yes, it wasn't time yet.
Be patient.
Yes! There's nothing worse than feeling like a burden or being felt up when you don't really know the guy yet.
5. If you aren't up to the point where you are going on dates, one thing you can do is; Just try to look women in the eye as you pass them. Work on that. Walk with your head up and shoulders straight out. Nod and say "Hello". Practice that. Get to the point where you say hello to people by instinct.
This will help you in all aspects of your life. Do not do it to only women. You will find that you will eventually make it a habit. Thats important.
And smile. Smiles are good.
6. Don't complain about traffic and time, and issues. If you need to vent, get on the friggin internet and complain. Don't do it on a date or on the phone.
7. Every week if you can, spend even 10-15 minutes calling and talking to the person you are dating, even if this week she has no time. Make the effort to call her. The one thing you do not want to do is stay on the phone too long, because you have a long chance to put your foot in your mouth. You want to get off the phone politely, but within 15 minutes so that you leave her with a good impression. Wait until you are in person for the long conversations.
Yes. SMS's and emails don't count here, by the way. If you're interested in me, you'll want to hear my voice. Otherwise, well, he just ain't that into me.
8. Don't check out other women when you are with her. Thats really something you should get in the habit. You know what I am talking about. Eyes following someone. Its an instictive thing guys do.
I would've thought this was self evident, but apparently not. :-D
9. Smell nice. Try to not go nuts with cologne, but bathe and make sure you ask a question at some point like "What kind of cologne do you like?", after a few dates, you may want to get it. Don't rush out and get it.
10. Never ever, ever. ever, talk about your ex-girlfriends and past relationships. If she brings it up and its relevant to the conversation (for instance in my case, there is a custody question) then thats different. Don't talk about anything sexual you did with them. Thats just ridiculous.
I hope that helps someone. If not, oh well I tried. I think mine is more focused on once you have your foot in the door. Some of you may be working on that, and I think the only golden rule I have for you in that area is this;
--The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. So if you have spent your life doing basically the same thing, its time to think about a different approach. Flirt but keep it light and not sexist or full of innuendo. Whatever you do, try a different approach, because if this ones not working consistently then its the approach.
Fairly on the mark, really.
I'd add: if you disagree about things, that's OK (politics, sports teams, etc). There is nothing more boring in a relationship that agreeing on everything. We learn from each other that way. Caveat: If you do have a different opinion and want to discuss the differences, respect each others' viewpoints and person, even if you never agree.
I'd also add: don't suddenly "change" once the "dating" period is over and your "goal" is accomplished. Be who you are. Anything else is dishonest. If your opinion on male-female relations is that it's OK to put a cage around the other person (say, with your fists) once the marriage certficate is signed, be honest enough to say so. That way, if she still chooses to be with you, at least she did so with her eyes wide open. See: starting a relationship with lies means the relationship is doomed to fail.
Going now. I have a sudden need to throw myself into a tub of salted boiling water and cook myself. :-D
posted by Heather @ 7:15 am
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