No... Touchy!
Listening to: More Gladiator soundtrackNaNoWriMo update: 500 more words this morning. Yippedydodah
Mood: Weirded out.
Q How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A "I don't see why it has to be changed."
Once upon a time, there was a Disneyesque emperor called Kuzco. Kuzco was a bit on the, shall we say, arrogant side. Some woman, who was scary beyond all reason but for some reason still managed to attract a congenial toy boy who cooks, turned him into a llama. Kuzco's method of dealing with any sort of affection was ... "No...touchy!"
What does that have to do with what I'm about to say? Very little, actually. However, it does say where I got the title of this post from and anyone who's seen The Emperor's New Groove knows the wee tone it's said in. Noooooo....tuchee! hehe.
A friend and I went to see The Village not that long ago. Reasonable film, I thought, worth a look, if you've the time and inclination and don't mind a bit of a slow-moving tale with some director's cinematic self-indulgence. Anyway, I'm not good with details, but a part of the story involves the growing love between the main bloke character, played by Joachim Pheonix, and a blind girl played by Ron Howard's daughter, whose name escapes me at the moment. i'm sure someone can fill in the details for me if they feel like it.
One of the themes running through the film was how people who really want to touch each other just don't. This was exemplified twice during the film: once, between the JP char and the blind girl, and a second time through the girl's (married) father, played by William Hurt, and JP's (unmarried) mother, played by Sigourney Weaver.
In the younger pair example, she said to him (I'm paraphrasing, btw), "I know you love me."
"How do you know?" he asked.
"You used to lead me around all of the time," said she, "But now you never touch me."
"How does that prove anything?"
"You never touch the person you really want to."
Hmm.
This has been playing on my mind a lot lately, especially since it was briefly discussed again by the same friend and me yesterday.
I've noticed this is true, in myself and others. I'm not sure why this is: perhaps it's a control thing. This concept that if you just step over this imaginary relationship line, suddenly the other person will know. And that would be a disaster beyond your imagination, of Phantom-of-the-Opera proportions. Perhaps it's unconscious. Perhaps it's a lust issue. Perhaps it's all of the above. I don't know.
The very first person I ever thought I "fell in love" with (when I was 15: we were talking serious love stuff here, not just the meandering crush issues of a twelve year-old ;-) Didn't last: I realised what something "Real-like" was when I was 16/17, before circumstances meant I lost touch with the guy involved... but I digress) was like that. I haven't spoken to him in about a year, but as far as I'm aware, he still is. He told me once that he never, ever made "the first move". Except once, almost, but I'm not going into that (but for the record for any guys reading this: an offer of car pooling because we happen to be going in the same direction does NOT = "asking me out". And an answer in the negative (because the person may, in fact, not be headed in the same direction) does not = a rejection of said car owner. OKAY???? Sheesh).
And my point is... uh. Sidetracked there for a second. This fellow had a personal space the size of a barn. Yet he would stand this close (like |-----------|) to someone he really (I found out later) liked. He didn't even realise he did it. He'd never touch though, and if "she" touched him, then he would act like he'd been burnt. Rather romantically stereotypical really. Thing is, he's never ended up with anyone who didn't move in on him first.
And he's never been completely happy with someone. After six different longish-term relationships, you'd think he'd learn. But no. He just takes it for granted that whoever he'd really like to ask out wouldn't look at him twice.
The same thing happened with my marriage. The ex "settled" for me because he figured no one else would bother with him, ergo, I'd have to "do". Would've been nice to have known that at the time...Of course, that's made me somewhat gun-shy but that's another story I doubt I'll ever tell here. Won't be making that mistake again, anyway. If the LOML (whoever he may be and wherever he may dwell) won't go to the effort to approach me, he ain't that interested. If he thinks I'm worth it, then this Phantasm of Probable Non-existence can overcome whatever fear he may have and let me know. So there. Ner ner. (hehe).
In my case, regarding friendships, I tend to try and suit how affectionate (or otherwise) I am with how comfortable (I think) said friends are with that. I am naturally very affectionate, usually. But while with one friend, I might be more touchy-feely (for example, Trevor, because so is he and he gives nice hugs), with another, I won't be. I tend to take my cues from them. I'm sometimes wrong, of course: someone may, in fact, be more open to (platonic) affection but I miss that. Then a habit becomes established...
However, when it's a LOML situation, I'm completely hands off, so I can really identify with the point the film was trying to make. Trouble comes when the other person is the same. Then you have that whole, well, golly gee, fifteen years later I find out you were interested after all of that? Bug-ger. Well, have a good life then. :-)
Although, I've noticed that isn't always the case. Example: a year before I met #1st LOML, I developed (more like carefully cultivated) a bit of a crush on another friend of mine. However, we'd been friends for about seven years and had rough-housed, etc, as kids, so the touchy thing was no big deal. But then again (I later realised), I wasn't really "in love" with the boy. You know how you tend to be expected to like someone in high school? We just went with that, and it wasn't serious anyway. Also, a "relationship" had already been established--long-standing friendship--so it was no biggie.
I'm not the only one who does this, I know. Damned common, actually.
Complications ensue, though, as I've already mentioned, when there are two people who react that way.
See, I tend to think that "My-golly-gee-whizz-I-can't-touch-that-person-because-I-really-want-to-and-it's-too-much-when-I-don't-know-how-they-feel-and-it-becomes-too-important-to--" Breathe--"you-know-too-much-significance-and-I'm-a-chicken-anyway-etc," is not the only reason why people won't touch someone.
Sometimes, it's because they're not, in general, a touchy-feely person (and there's nothing wrong with that, of course). For whatever reason, they just don't express themselves that way, or they only do to someone who they're actually involved with, or they're a cold fish, or whatever. Maybe they have a thing about germs. Or my B.O.'s just really bad today.
Another possible reason is that they're actually creeped out by you, personally (no, I don't mean you, personally, I mean "you" in a generic, whoever-the-interested-party-is fashion).
Or they've picked up (or think they've picked up) how you're feeling and don't really like that and, although they would normally be affectionate to a friend, they don't want to give you the "wrong" idea... or hurt you, or whatever.
So the question becomes, then, for one or both parties, "Which?"
It's a predicament I have no answer for.
I wish I did.
Because the alternative seems to be spending years listening to half-baked deep-and-meaningful 1927 songs like "The Other Side" and finding out years later that your gut feeling had been correct all along.
And then repeating the same mistake.
posted by Heather @ 2:10 pm
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