The Ramblings of my Disorganised Mind

A Need To Know

I think I've mentioned before that I have "Research is my Life" tattoo'd on my forehead, along with a few other things, of course. I've been trying (rather unsuccessfully) to get back into my writing, and it's gotten to the point that I've realised that my "excuses" aren't actually "excuses" at all, they're some rather real difficulties. I'm going to have to re-order a few things to finish anything. And take a break once I've moved house. I've just realised my life has been rather stressful of late (what did a friend say to me recently? She's known people who've gone through half of what I've been dealing with lately who've just given up and suicided? I don't know, I think that's a melodramatic solution to one's problems, but I see her point).

Despite that, I went to the doctor last week and had some tests done and ALL of my stress indicators have improved. Every single one. Adrenalin & thyroid function're back to normal, heart rates & function's normal, blood tests - normal, glucose function excellent (I was pre diabetic before) -- despite putting ON 12 kilos over the year (Ok, most of them were from some mistaken steroidal medication another doctor put me on for a chronic cough that she should've found out the cause of first), my blood pressure is UP... er, a Good Thing because I tend to have blood pressure on the low side. Like, sudden falling over side hehe. The only thing still in the abnormal ranges were some blood salts (but that's because I apparently am not eating enough. Grr).

Considering the same doctor in July last year was predicting my death by age 35 (I was 33 at the time) if things continued the way they were, that's pretty good, I reckon. He was seriously concerned. He's happy now. hehe. (Er, sorry dad, mum & bro for not telling you this last year, you guys have enough on your own respective plates to be worrying about me, and besides, I thought he was exaggerating just a wee bit).

And the only thing that's changed? No more ex-husband abuse on a daily basis -- and Good friends, more contact with my family. I'm still stressed, but I'm loved. More to the point, I KNOW I'm loved. People keep telling me this, and they even seem to mean it. Not romantically, of course, but still.

Funny thing is, I didn't even realise how badly off I was until my ex moved out and my way of coping changed (it's taken about a year to be able to sleep normally again). Yeah, I still get stressed out to the point of tears -- as everyone does, I'm nothing special -- but at least now I can admit that without getting hit. And normal stressors (you know, the every day little things) aren't "always" taking me down any more. It takes a lot more than that for me to admit to it now hehe... seriously, I'm only reacting to "big" stuff (the ex trying to take the kids for extra time when they don't actually want to be taken, for example) and I know my "break" point and will now ask for help if I get there. Before, I'd just pretend nothing was wrong.

Oy, I'm rambling. How boring. Sorry.

Having said that (and back on topic), I needed to do some research to start to continue my book, and I got so embroiled in it that I forgot to make lunch. I love it. I'm starting to realise I'm in the wrong profession: I could happily spend my life doing research on just about anything. Apparently you can get paid for that. Will look into it. It's not the writing that fascinates me so much (although I do like it, although not so much right now. Blocked. Blocked. Blocked. *sob*). I do genealogy because I'm fascinated by the stories behind the ancestors, I'm not interested in "name collecting" or trying to see who I'm related to (although there's nothing wrong with that, of course).

I love history, not because of the dry facts and figures, but because of the stories involved. I love finding out the "truth" behind historical fallacies (and yes, in case anyone was wondering, I am a Ricardian *winks*). That's why I love Michael Wood so much (or at least his documentaries!), because he does "follow in footsteps" history, looking at the lives and stories. Example, I learned that Shakespeare's parents were Catholic in an Elizabethan England and his father was once a councillor, but was chucked out at some point, and when you start to look at his plays from that POV, they change ever so slightly in political meaning. Wow. OK, I will admit to a crush on Wood, his enthusiasm is enchanting. But I never said that, OK? :-P

The flip side of that is I used to hate not knowing something. (With age and experience, I have come to realise that I can't possibly know everything so will have to accept that. hehe). Just for clarification, I don't mean gossip. I don't feel the need to know (or share) what everyone's doing with their life right now (unless it's applicable to the person/s I am talking to in some way or I've been asked to share) or whether Jen & Brad are getting back together or getting a divorce. Or whether Tony Abbott's son is really his (on a side note, poor guys, imagine having to go through all of that in such a public forum. Wish the media would pull their heads in, we don't "need to know" all of that).

But, if anyone really wanted to torture me, they could do what Christian Slater did in Bed of Roses. Send anonymous flowers or something. (Truth? I'd probably like that, mostly because it's highly unlikely, but it would still drive me crazy). Or set me a research goal I can't possibly meet. hehe. I could also add here, that if I didn't already have a sane, realistic view of how, er, Mr Unnamed, thinks of me, not knowing that would drive me nuts, too. It's good to have a pragmatic mind. :-D

Anyway, I guess the thing is, if you hate research but need to do it, ask me. It's no imposition, you're allowing me to indulge in some of that "forget to eat lunch" love that's so important. *grin*

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been given the green light to start my long walks again. I can finally take some real action to remove that steroid-caused weight. Woohoo! So I'm going for a walk. :-D

Maybe getting some exercise will clear my head enough to start writing again. My brain's gluggy lately.

Although, all I'll probably do is get embroiled in some sort of research again. Heheheeee!

posted by Heather @ 8:15 am